Struggles

      Struggle always come to those who are in service, whether they are in the military, peace corp., or active missionary duty. I'm only part of one of these groups, but from what I can gather so far, all three groups have the potential to deal with the same experiences. There are missionaries in countries that are active war zones. Missionaries in countries with an incredibly high poverty rate, missionaries in countries where society is almost at war with itself. Of course there are the struggles that all have to deal with while in service. Other then the struggles that these three different groups of service have in the place they are serving, there is one thing that is the exact same for each group. Life goes on in their hometown without them.
      Since being in Nome, I have dealt with two deaths (one that happened in Nome and one happened back in Virginia), cancer within a member of my family, friends getting engaged, married, having children, coming into their own, kids I used to mentor growing up and going to college after knowing them for nearly a decade, and I've only been able to see most of these events through Facebook.
       We know that it becomes harder and harder to stay afloat the further out to sea we swim. Deep into service, it can become harder seeing time go by back in hometowns and not be there. This may all seem frightening, perhaps sad. However, there is a certain type of grace that comes from being in service.

        I have recently been attached to the "I Am Second" website, actively watching the videos and have already started participating in a Bible Study around this site and the central idea of being "Second". Here is the link:

                                                http://www.iamsecond.com/seconds/#

      

            I may have talked about this in a past post, but I want to express it even further, and come clean on certain dreams. It has been a long time standing dream of mine, as I'm sure some of my closest friends can tell you, is to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. If there is anything worldly that I want in this world it's to be a faithful partner to someone, and hopefully even a loving father one day. I've wanted this dream so much, and so badly that for a good long time, it was my only focus. I figured that if I can accomplish this dream, then everything would be fine, I could be perfectly happy, content, and at peace. As I have learned, something else was there for me to clasp onto, and sometimes dreams can get in the way of what really needs to happen.

            There was a time where I was very close to accomplishing this dream, but for whatever reason, it didn't. That hurt for a long time, and then I went to a place where it all changed. During that year I had been reading things from the Bible, Shane Claiborne and Randy Pausch and I found myself in an unfamiliar land, with unfamiliar faces, temperature, smells and lifestyles. No, not Nome, Alaska (yet), it was in Sierra Leone that something really changed in me. For a short time I was experiencing true Love. Not the kind of love that couples share, a love I am still praying on finding one day, it was a Love that I had only been able to grasp particles of since I was a Junior in High School. In the weeks ending 2009 and beginning 2010 I had left my troubles, social situations, burdens and dreams of finding love to venture into the world and truly see where I "should" be. I didn't find love, I found Love. There was something in that Child Rescue Center that spoke out, "sit and stay with me". I was feeling this message from the Children, but behind their eyes there was someone else speaking.

            I realized that at last, He had torn me away from my worldly world. Torn apart parts of my life that I clung onto so dearly, more dearly then He knew I should be. The summer before that trip, He said that "The world will be fed not by the bread of man, but by the Bread of God," but He was also telling me during my time at the Jeremiah Project, Hebrews 12:28 ;

            "Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe,"

            The city of Bo, when I was there, still had buildings that were in ruin from the civil war that happened a little over a decade before. Life still continued. It may be a hard existence, but life went on. I personally know what it's like to be at war with myself, and the wreckage it can cause, not only to myself, but the people around me. Civil War, if you will. But, I wouldn't trade this experience of a personal Civil War for anything. Some people have told me I think too much, or I'm too hard on myself, but it's all part of the war.

            The Father, The Son, The Holy Spirit : They all know how messed up we all are. They knew how messed up I am, and how I'm not perfect and not without sin. After my screw ups, I now know that if I were to let up for a second in this war, if I didn't defend myself they way He would want me to, bombshells would cause wreckage, and that's what I can call Sin.

            The crazy thing is, the message was always there. He was always reaching out, letting me know He was there, trying to point me in the right direction. Sometimes dreams and personal focus can distract a person from hearing the truth, from learning really important lessons of life, and truly growing into something greater than they expected. In a way, I guess it's comforting to know that everyone struggles with this. I'm going to give myself some credit; I opened my heart, I listened, I humbled myself, I really tried to look at the world through the eyes like that of a child (Matthew 18:3). I had to stop always making myself believe that I knew exactly what was good for me, to believe that I KNEW what I had to do, and what would make me successful. Truly, Christ was right, I had no idea.

            It took me a long time to decide to do what I've done. I'm speaking for myself, but I think when it comes down to it, I believe it's not easy at all to leave things you hold as security behind (car, home, parents, friends, well-paying job, markets where you can get whatever you're looking for). It's not easy for anyone. It truly is a leap of faith. I think what Christ really wanted me to do is stop trying to control my life and let Him work. He has worked harder than anyone has for me. And what I do know, is that being here in Nome isn't predestined. It was my free will to open my heart, to completely let Him in, to make the choice to stand THIS close to Him. When people say, "God has a plan" I think maybe they aren't thinking it through completely. If you are interested in digging deeper into this idea, read "Why?" by Adam Hamilton. In this book he says, "What if God, in giving us life, invites us to collaborate in writing the story of our lives?"

            In all this splurge of a blog I've just written, I can say, you know, I'm okay. I may not have the worldly dream I had been planning on right now (though I am still hoping God allows me to change that one day). But I made a plan on doing something with God within a short time frame (from the last fall semester in college to the time I left Northern Virginia), and so far, it's been the best plan ever. I'm so thankful for this part of my life's story, and when I look back on what I lost, I see now that this would never have happened if I didn't open myself up to Him.

Praise the Lord. I Am Second

+PeAcE+